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DATING ADVICE & TIPS
Whether you’ve already been married once (or more) to the wrong husband or whether you are still looking to find a husband for the first time, I’m here to help. But first…
There’s a quote from Jim Rohn that I love:
“You are the average of the five people you spend the most time with.”
This is very true! The people around us have an incredible impact on our life. They influence our happiness, our decision-making, what we do, why we do it…
It really is the key to success in life to surround ourselves with great people. Take a moment to consider the people you have around you and how they influence you in all aspects of your life.
I’ll take this idea a step further and say: You become the average of the person you marry.
That person, your husband, should help make you your best self. You should continually want to give to them and be a part of a powerful partnership.
That’s why you don’t want to marry the wrong person! It is truly the most important decision you will ever make in your life. So allow me to share three steps to find a husband—the RIGHT husband—for you!
P.S. No one said you had to go on this journey alone. My free webinar will help you project the kind of confidence that will attract a man who is wild to marry you. Sign up asap!
How to Find a Husband Who Will Treat You Right
When you were a little girl, you might have dreamed of a big wedding and a fluffy white dress. But did you really put thought into the man who would be your husband? (Maybe you envisioned Kirk Cameron or Leonardo DiCaprio, or whoever your celebrity crush was back then).
Maybe you had the big wedding and big dress but then realized a few years later that you’d married the wrong man.
In no way do I want you to take that to mean that Mr. Right isn’t still out there for you. Maybe your first marriage or long-term relationship was right in that moment, but it’s no longer right for who you are now. The good news is: if you start aligning yourself with the idea of finding the right husband, I guarantee you’ll find him!
1. Get to Know Yourself First
It doesn’t matter whether you’re 20 or 50: some people get married way too quickly. Maybe they’re desperate to settle down or maybe there’s another reason they rush to the altar, but the problem is: these marriages are less likely to last.
Two researchers at Emory University, Andrew Francis and Hugo Mialon, studied 3,000 married couples in the U.S. to determine the factors that predicted divorce. Among other factors, they looked at how long a couple dated before getting engaged and found that those who dated 1-2 years before getting engaged were 20% less likely to get divorced. Those that dated 3 or more years were 39% less likely to divorce later.
Given the technological breakthroughs in science, you might live to be 120 years old, so what’s the rush? Waiting a few years to get to know your mate, get to know yourself, and get to know one another as a couple will only strengthen your marriage and ensure that it lasts.
When you’ve got a lot going on in your life, including adjusting to being in a relationship, it’s not a good time to make major life decisions about getting married or even having kids. I know a couple who dated for 3 months before moving in together. Three months later, they took a big international trip together…and now they just got engaged. I’m hoping they take a year or more before they actually tie the knot so they have time to settle into being a couple first. This is moving way too fast.
I remember in my 20s, I had a ton going on. I was launching Sexy Confidence, I was speaking all over the country about dating and relationships, I was riding motorcycles and kite surfing…I was a busy dude. I remember avoiding serious relationships because I understood that the man I was then wasn’t the man I would be down the road. I was still growing and getting to know myself. I felt that it wouldn’t be fair to take someone for that rollercoaster ride until I was truly ready to settle down.
When I entered my 30s, that’s when my life settled down. Lo and behold, that’s when I met Jessica…and now we are happily engaged.
So my advice to you, despite how ready you are to find a husband, is to take your time, both being single and being in a relationship that might end up in marriage. The more time you take, the more you can understand yourself and how this major decision will impact you long-term. There’s no rush!
2. Look for Your Best Friend in a Partner
In my Attract “The One” Academy Class, I always say that you want to find a partner who is the best friend that you are attracted to. I say that because, after a few years of being hot and heavy and having physical attraction be the primary driver of your relationship, 99.9999% of your relationship will be based on a solid friendship. You will have this incredible bond that goes deeper than just a physical relationship (don’t worry! You’ll hopefully still have that, too), and that’s the foundation for a fantastic marriage.
Sadly, so many people are distracted by lust in the early months of a relationship and don’t think to look for a potential friendship in the people they date. That never turns out well.
Statistically speaking, the #1 cause for divorce is basic incompatibility (43% divorces are because of this). I think that’s because early on, we aren’t looking for compatibility. We are just following our emotions and feelings, and because those are often driven by physical attraction, this strategy can lead you astray.
Consider what qualities you want in a best friend. You may have a platonic best friend who you can use as a model to help you find a husband who will also be your best friend…with benefits! Maybe it’s important for you to have someone who supports you when you take risks, like starting a business. Maybe you want someone who shares your love of marathons. Know what you want in a best friend, and that will help you find it in a potential partner.
3. Have Critical Conversations Before Tying the Knot
Another top reason for divorce is…you guessed it…money issues! Twenty-two percent of marriages end because couples fight over money (been there?). Do not wait until you are married to have important discussions about money, whether you want kids, where you want to live, and other topics that will significantly impact your marriage.
Do you have $130,000 in student loans that he doesn’t know about? Don’t wait until the honeymoon to tell him.
Does he like to take you out for steak dinners every Thursday night on his $45,000 salary? Don’t wait until you have a mortgage and kids to address his spending problem.
You might be nervous to discuss finances because you have debt or can’t stick to a budget to save your life, but I assure you: he won’t leave you because of it. But you do need to discuss your financial situation as well as your relationship with money before you get married to ensure that your marriage is set up for financial success.
What kind of debt do you have? Are you a spender or a saver? Who will manage the finances in the relationship? Will you share a bank account? These are all questions to discuss while you’re dating.
If you thought my tips on how to find a husband were going to give you the address of a place full of eligible men, sorry to disappoint. But the key to finding a relationship that will last the rest of your life is to know who you are and what you want, be ready for that level of commitment, and have open lines of communication in your relationship.
You also have to ensure that the man you’re dating is ready for a commitment like marriage. The last thing I want you to do is latch onto the next man you date and decide that he’s your future husband if he in no way is right for you or ready for that. Keep your eyes open to signs in the relationship that it’s progressing toward both long-term commitment and then marriage. Ask him early on whether he wants to get married (or married again) before it becomes a loaded question in your relationship. If he tells you he will never, ever get married, you should believe him rather than trying to change him and getting your heart broken in the process.
Talk to our Sexy Confident ladies in the comments below: are you looking to find a husband that is your best friend and best match? What are you willing to do to find him?
Give yourself this gift: sign up for my Attract “The One” Master Class and be on your way to finding that amazing marriage you’ve always wanted. It costs nothing but your time.
Do you sometimes feel like a frog hopping from lily pad to lily pad (consider those pads to be short-term relationships)…but find that every “lily pad” you jump to sinks like a rock? I hear you.
If the perfect guy, who you told all of your friends was The One, ended up ghosting you on the third date…I know how frustrated you are, especially because now you’ve got to start completely over with the 21st-century dating scene.
If you are just sick of the short term relationship pattern you’re stuck in, jumping from one disappointment to another, this video and article are for you.
You’re far from the only woman out there who’s ready to throw in the towel. It’s super frustrating at times! But before you completely give up hope, stick with me. I’m going to teach you how to finally attract a healthy, long term relationship. You’ll be so glad you came.
P.S. One reason you haven’t found a great long term relationship might be because you do all the chasing. In my Attract “The One” Workshop, I teach you how to get a great guy chasing after you. Sign up here.
I’ve helped thousands of women—maybe more—navigate the world of dating, particularly after divorce or the end of a long term relationship. And I have found one concept to be the cornerstone of my advice to all of them:
Find love by chasing principles, rather than by chasing pheromones.
Allow me to explain.
Why a Long Term Relationship Needs Principles
Principles are things we all have, that we use to guide us to make decisions. Merriam-Webster defines a principle as a comprehensive and fundamental law, doctrine, or assumption, or a rule or code of conduct.
I’m sure you can think of your own principles. You probably have principles around your family life…whether you want a family…how much time you want to spend with your family…
You might have principles about religion. Are you religious or not? What religion do you follow? Is it important that your partner be the same religion?
You could have principles about politics…or the environment…whatever your principles are, they’re important to you, and they guide how you live. Your specific set of principles come from how you were raised, as well as your unique life experiences, and even your personality.
Use those principles that guide you to find someone who shares similar principles, and you set yourself up for relationship bliss.
Stan Tatkin, PsyD, MFT Clinician, author, PACT developer, and co-founder of the PACT Institute, calls these shared principles of governance:
“These principles are, in essence, your Ten Commandments. Much like our shared belief in the Constitution, you must believe your shared principles will hold together over the long run, despite shifts and changes in love, lust, common interests, and all other ephemeral attractants. Depending on your imagination and forethought, your principles could include survival, thriving, trust, respect, admiration, radical loyalty, devotion, and a feeling of believing in something greater than the self.”
Why Pheromones Keep You Lily Pad Hopping
On the other hand, we have pheromones that we often let guide us in finding potential partners. Pheromones are simply chemicals we release to attract other humans sexually. For the sake of this article and video, I want to consider pheromones as just physical attraction. Before you can know if you share principles with someone or not, you make a snap judgment about whether you’re physically attracted to him. This is, of course, the basis for dating apps.
I don’t want to call you out, but I’m willing to bet you’ve chased after pheromones at least once in your life. Maybe there was that guy that you could. not. stay. away. from…even though you knew he was totally terrible for you. Maybe it was his dimples that drove you wild…his manly smell…or his biceps…whatever it was, you found it irresistible, despite your brain screaming that this was NOT the guy for you.
So let me break it down for you: you will continue to hop from lily pad to lily pad in short term relationships if you chase pheromones.
Who you are physically attracted to has very little correlation to your future happiness in that relationship. Even worse, as that relationship develops, the intensity of that initial attraction will diminish. And then all you’re left with is a big pile of nothing. A sinking lily pad.
And that, my dear, is why you should instead focus on understanding a man’s principles and finding a guy who shares yours.
While attraction will fade over time, principles tend to stay fairly steady throughout life. And when you find a long term relationship with a man who shares your principles, you’ll find that those principles grow stronger together.
If he’s a family man now, he’ll likely always be a family man. If he’s spiritual now, it’s likely he will be spiritual in the future. If he believes in helping people and the world, he’ll keep on.
And…if he’s a selfish jerk who hates kids…what do you think he’ll be like in 10 years?
Identifying Your Principles for a Long Term Relationship
Okay, so you’re ready to admit that you need to change your approach to finding a long term relationship, and you’re willing to push aside those pheromones in favor of principles. But what if you don’t know what your principles are…or which matter in dating?
Think about the kind of long term relationship you want. Really visualize what it will be like. Not so much “my love will have jet black hair and piercing eyes…” focus on what the day-to-day, as well as the big picture will be like.
Do you want kids? Or would you mind ending up with a man who already has kids?
Would you like him to share your love of volunteering, or talking about politics?
Do you want to get re/married, or would you be happy living together?
Does he need to be vegan if you are?
What are dealbreakers in a relationship for you?
Questions like these help you focus on those principles you have and care about, even if you’ve never identified them as such.
How to Be Guided By Principles, Not Pheromones
I get that attraction is a huge part of dating. Researchers have found, over and over again, that we tend to pursue relationships with people we find physically attractive.
But I need you to realize that attractions and pheromones are only part of the relationship puzzle. Sure, swipe on those apps based on looks…but also read their profiles, because you can get at least a basic sense of who might have similar principles. A guy who says “I’m at the beach 24/7. #PartyLife!” on his dating profile is probably not looking to settle down.
When you go on dates, ask questions to understand what this man’s principles are, particularly as they relate to a potential long term relationship. It’s actually pretty difficult to have a getting-to-know-you conversation and not pick up on at least a few principles. Here are some topics that will help you:
- What he’s passionate about
- His family upbringing
- What he does in his spare time
- What he’s looking for
But also read between the lines, because you can learn a lot about a guy that way. I have a friend who went on several dates with a man who seemed like a perfect gentleman. But on several occasions, he’d tell a story that made him look like a total jerk. One story was about an argument he got into with his neighbor, and he laughingly told my friend how he called the neighbor names that I won’t even repeat here.
My friend realized that this man didn’t share her principle of treating others kindly, and she knew there was no future with him, so she ended things.
I realize this may be a very different approach to dating and love than you’ve taken in the past, but if what you’ve been doing hasn’t been working, what do you have to lose?
I also want to tell you that you should never compromise your principles. It won’t work. My friend who was dating the closet jerk tried to brush his stories aside, but they bothered her. She knew that he didn’t align with her principles, and when she finally admitted this to herself, the relationship was over.
Don’t let a guy steamroll your principles with his own. If you’re vegan, for example, and you don’t typically mind if people eat meat in front of you, don’t let a man start lecturing you about how dumb veganism is.
You don’t need that, and you know he’s not Mr. Right if he’s already criticizing your principles.
It should make you happy to realize that there is someone out there who shares your principles! Your love and future life together will be so much sweeter for being in sync about the way you think!
Talk to me in the comments below: what top principle do you want a man to share with you?
If you’re ready to find that long-term relationship with a man who shares your principles, hop on my free Attract “The One” Webinar, because I designed it specifically for you!
Does this ring a bell? You start a new relationship, and at first, it’s looking like everything is going well. It’s like you two were created to be together. It’s magic and sparkles. You can’t get enough of one another.
Just three short months later, your relationship has turned into something resembling the demonic plague [cue scary music]. It’s not pretty. What started out beautiful has turned into an utter sh$% show, and you’re clueless as to what happened.
If your relationships tend to go from rom-com to horror movie when they hit month three, then you’re in the right place.
Trust me when I say you’re far from alone if you’re cursed with having three-month relationships before things go sideways. It’s a thing, and there are a few reasons for it that we’ll get into in this article. Once you know the cause, you can fix the problem. Trust me.
P.S. Part of the solution is attracting the right guy who will want far more than three months with you. Sign up for my Attract the One workshop to find him.
The Curse of the Three-Month Relationship
I went through this curse of the three-month relationship myself during my 20s. And I’ll be honest: I was okay with it. I got to date and meet lots of interesting people, and it gave me insight into what I really wanted in life and love.
Later, of course, that changed, and I began to want a more serious relationship. Lucky for me I met Jessica, and four years later she said “yes”.
As for you, you might not be in in a place where a three-month relationship is enough for you. Maybe you’ve been around the block a few times. Maybe even been married or in a long relationship. Had kids. Been hurt. Or maybe you’re just ready.
If you’re at a point in life where you want something more long-term and serious, having things fall apart at three months can be crazy frustrating. But not to worry! I’m going to identify three mistakes you can avoid to get over that three-month hump.
Mistake #1: You’re Only Chasing Sexual Energy
If you find that your relationships start strong…
…you get completely swept off of your feet…
…and the sex is amazing…
…and you want to spend all your time with this guy…this might be a problem for you. You probably aren’t thinking about any other aspects of your compatibility with this man or even whether you really actually like him (versus the thought of him).
Once you realize that you have nothing in common other than your sexual chemistry, things will fizzle, and that’s usually around the three-month mark.
If you’re looking for long-term potential, it’s really important that you keep yourself in check in those first three months of the relationship. Sure, great sex is amazing, but it’s not everything.
Keep your head on straight and continually ask yourself whether this man would a good partner? Maybe a good husband or stepfather to your kids? Is he reliable? Do you want the same things in life? Is he as into you as you are him? Or does he just seem to want sex?
I find that people who have things end after a few months are way too focused on sexual energy and not the bigger picture. They ignore huge red flags that I think they would have seen if they were thinking clearly.
Here’s the thing: you want to find a guy who can be your best friend, but who you are also attracted to. Sexual energy can dwindle, and then you’re left with a friend (who you can have a relationship with) or someone you don’t actually like all that much. Which do you want?
How to Avoid This 3-Month Relationship Curse
One suggestion I have? Put off having sex with him until you’re sure that you like him for who he is with you and that you’re compatible as a couple. If he’s pushing you to get intimate sooner than you’re ready, he’s probably not looking for a relationship, so don’t even go down that path.
The right guy will be in no hurry to get in your pants, and he’ll be eager to simply get to know you for who you are. There’s nothing sexier than that!
2. You’re Moving Too Fast and Coming On Too Strong
I’ve heard it from so many of you Sexy Confident women, and I get it: you want a great relationship and you know what you’re looking for. But in those early days, you don’t want to have too many expectations like…
…he should be committed to you and only you within the first two weeks of dating…
…or that he’ll text you every single day…
…or that, because you’ve been dating a few months, he’s The One.
I have a good friend who’s looking for a long-term relationship, and she always seems to find amazing partnerships for the first month or so. She has a good time. Things go well, so she starts to build expectations about what’s coming next. Unfortunately, by month two or three, those expectations start killing the relationship. She gets annoyed at all the little things he does (or doesn’t do) because he’s not living up to what she expects.
He’s confused, thinking, “what’s going on here? I thought we were just getting to know one another.”
Things usually end at this point, because neither of them is getting what they want.
How to Avoid This 3-Month Relationship Curse
It’s important to try to let go of those expectations, particularly early on where you really don’t know whether you’re right for one another. Licensed marriage and family therapist Irene Schreiner says:
“New relationships are very fragile and can easily fizzle. They don’t have the same foundation that long-term relationships have developed. As a result, unrealistic expectations can put too much burden on the new relationship, causing it to end prematurely.”
I know it’s a challenge, but try to just enjoy the ride rather than wanting it to go the way you have it scripted in your head.
3. You’re Afraid of Love and Sabotage the Relationship
You might be shaking your head.
“Adam, you’re crazy. I WANT to find love. Why would I sabotage things?”
You might say this, but your actions are telling me otherwise.
When you’ve had a traumatic experience in a past relationship—maybe you were cheated on or abused in some way, or simply had a man shatter your heart—it can undermine a potentially good thing. You may find a wonderful man and have a healthy relationship, but you still subconsciously poke holes in it until the relationship dies.
Then you blame the relationship, not yourself.
You may, deep down, not love yourself or think that you’re worthy of happiness in a relationship. If this resonates with you, come to terms with it. Take a look at your past, and face whatever personal heartache you’re harboring.
How to Avoid This 3-Month Relationship Curse
Realize that your past doesn’t equal your future, and just because you’ve been hurt, cheated on, or broken up with back then doesn’t mean it’s going to happen again. Don’t punish the man who could end up being perfect for you for someone else’s mistakes.
You are the common denominator in all your relationships. If you’re finding that, over and over again, you have a three-month relationship that ends for similar reasons, it’s time to work on yourself and find that internal happiness and love that will help you be whole for the right relationship.
You might have started reading this article thinking your curse of the three-month relationship wasn’t your fault, that it was always the guy. Maybe he was an emotional robot…or just wanted sex…or simply wasn’t right for you. But now you’re owning your role in the fact that you haven’t gotten past this 90-day period to build a solid and lasting relationship.
Congratulations. Owning that is huge. What you do from here is entirely up to you. But I suggest you look carefully at the mistakes you’ve made, whether it was chasing that sexual feeling, having high expectations too soon, or being too afraid of love to be open to it. See what you’ve done and change your approach the next time you start dating someone with true potential.
Talk to me and our Sexy Confident community in the comments below: what’s been the common cause of your three-month relationship curse? What are you going to do to break it?
Learn the three ways to attract a great man and a great relationship so you can get out of this three-month relationship curse with my free webinar where I’ll teach you how to make a man pursue you and only you.
The post The Curse of The Three-Month Relationship: Why It Never Lasts Longer appeared first on Sexy Confidence.
For many people especially iPhone fans, everything about the new iPhone 6 including the iPhone parts must be always interesting to check out. Therefore, it must be great to know the photos of the parts appear in the internet so that more about the new device can be confirmed. You know, many rumors regarding the new product by Apple has been appeared in the internet and the photos of the parts must answer some of the questions raised.
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About the photos of iPhone 6 parts
Well, the source where the photos of iPhone 6 parts appear shows us better clues toward how Apple makes the improvements to the new device. Starting from the camera, the photos show that this looks larger than what we can find in the previous model. It also shows the technology for the optical image stabilization. Regarding the two variants of the iPhone 6, it can be seen that there is a possibility that the smaller and bigger versions will have different camera modules. This information seems to give us the clue whether or not different variants will have different hardware including the camera as well as other parts of the new device.
Another important fact regarding the photos of the new iPhone 6 parts is the pictures of protective mesh. It is used for the speakers and the microphone holes. This gives us another important detail of the improvement done by Apple. Of course, we need to check out further pictures regarding the parts of the new iPhone 6 in order to get more details.
Do you think that the pictures of the iPhone 6 parts will lead you to hunt for the new product? If so, you should check other posts we have regarding the new device to know more about the new product by Apple.
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If you’re in your 40s or older, there’s a pretty good chance you’re going to end up dating a divorced man at some point.
This is definitely a horse of a different color from the single young guys you may have dated in the past. So, I wanted to provide you with a video and article to help you navigate the world of getting to know a man who has experience in a long-term relationship…but who also may have his own baggage.
Given that I am a man…but not divorced…I wanted to find you the best expert on dating a divorced man I could find.
It turns out, I didn’t have to look far. My mother, Ann LoDolce, is a divorce attorney, so I tapped her infinite wisdom to help you!
P.S. You’re on a journey right now, and it’s one that will have both joys and frustrations. My How to Find Love After 40 workshop is the perfect guide to help you on your way. Sign up here.
If you’re divorced yourself, you’ll definitely appreciate the fact that things are different than they were when you were single. You may be a part-time parent, have an ex that you still argue with, or even still be reeling from the expense and emotional trauma caused by the divorce itself.
But regardless, you’re looking for love and you absolutely deserve it.
The same goes for dating a divorced guy: he may have a few things that make his life…well…less simple than you’d like, but that doesn’t mean he’s not a great candidate for the role of Mr. Right.
Here are some things you should be aware of if you’re going out with men who are divorced.
1. He Might Be Dishonest About the Reason for the Divorce
On your second or third date with a new guy who’s been divorced, you naturally might ask him what happened in his marriage.
One of three things will happen:
He’ll be totally honest about the reason (“We argued all the time. It was a toxic environment.”)
He’ll be a little squirrelly or vague about it (“It just wasn’t meant to be.”)
Or he’ll fib about it.
I know. That’s not what you want to hear. But my mom, who’s helped countless people navigate the tricky world of divorce, says that it’s a very unpleasant topic for most people, and you’ll often find in dating a divorced man, that he may not want to talk about it at all.
“But you need to know something about how it happened,” Ann says.
You don’t need to grill the guy on your first date, but if it seems to develop into a relationship, you deserve to know about his past experience for one reason: history repeats itself.
If he cheated on his wife or had anger issues, you need to be very concerned about how that might impact your relationship with him. While I don’t like to generalize with the whole “once a cheater, always a cheater“ saying, you have to take the possibility into consideration. Was it a one-time thing during a stressful period in his relationship, or was he a serial cheater?
If his ex-wife cheated on or hurt him, that may make it hard for him to open up to you and trust you fully. Can you handle his suspicion and jealousy?
2. His Ex Will Be Part of His Life
Ann says this is especially true if children are involved. If you’re dating a divorced man with kids, you’re dating the whole package…including, to some degree, the ex-spouse. If you end up living with him, you’ll likely be sharing custody of those kids and will have to co-parent with both your boyfriend and his kids’ mother.
You may even have to meet the ex at some point, which, while no fun, can help to establish a relationship with her and her children. This can make the transition to this new family dynamic a little easier.
Try not to be jealous of their relationship. He’s moved on from her and is with you. He will need to talk to her if they’re sharing custody of the kids, and that may take some getting used to. Allow time to adjust to this.
And if she’s overstepping, talk to him about establishing boundaries. Maybe she texts from the car when she arrives to pick up the kids rather than walking into the home you share.
3. He May Not Want to Get Married Again
When you’re dating a divorced man, even if he’s head over heels in love with you after a few months, you have to be aware that he may never want to get remarried.
If the divorce was messy, that may have traumatized him to the point of believing he never wants to go through it again. Of course, you’re thinking if you did get married, you wouldn’t get divorced, but he’s playing it safe and protecting his heart by shutting out the possibility of marrying again.
There are a few paths you can take here. If you’re okay being in a long-term relationship without being married, great.
But if you dream of marrying a guy like this, you can either be patient and hope that he eventually heals from his divorce trauma and decides you’re the wife he always wanted…or if you think he’ll never change his mind, you can let go and move on.
4. He Could Be Jaded About Relationships Altogether
“Sometimes the divorce makes it very difficult to trust, and the person might be seeing only the worst in everybody around him for quite a while,” Ann says.
This can be tricky. Sometimes we bring our past relationships into our new relationships. It’s baggage. You might have some of your own, I’m guessing.
Be aware that you may have your work cut out for you. If he’s genuinely worth it, start building trust from the start. Work to show him that you’re not his ex. That you’re someone entirely different and worthy of his trust and love.
He needs to—and will—be open to a new relationship, but it may take time, so have patience.
5. He Could Be a Great Match!
Ann says that just because a man is divorced doesn’t mean he’s flawed or damaged. Sometimes relationships end, even after marriage vows and decades. If he learned about himself and about relationships in the process, then he could be great relationship material for you.
As you get more dating experience under your belt, you’ll meet men who have never been married or who haven’t even been in a serious relationship longer than a few months. Conversely, dating a divorced man lets you know that at least he understands how marriages and relationships work, and more than likely he’s had to compromise, communicate, and work at a relationship.
All good things for you, Sexy Confident lady!
6. If the Divorce is Fresh, He May Not Be Ready to Date
If that’s the case, you’re wondering, why is he dating?
Maybe his friends are pushing him to “get back out there.” Maybe he wants to find his confidence again. Maybe he’s just looking for sex. But if he’s not ready for a relationship, you’ll never convince him otherwise.
So…how do you know if it’s too soon?
Ask him when he got divorced. If it was within the last couple of years, just tread lightly. Pay attention to whether he talks about his ex often (either wistfully or angrily; either could indicate he still has unresolved issues.).
If he’s only separated and not fully divorced, try to keep things light. The last thing you want to do is fall in love with a man who isn’t 100% available.
7. If He Has Kids, They Take Priority
If you have kids yourself, you totally get this. If not, you may feel like you’re vying for his attention when he’s focused elsewhere.
You won’t win that competition. He rightfully should be focused on his children, especially if they’re still healing and getting used to the post-divorce situation.
Wait as long as possible to meet his kids. Like, until you’ve exchanged the “L” word. Not only do you not want to enter these kids’ lives if there’s a good chance you’ll also be exiting soon, but you also don’t want to get attached to them and then have things not work out.
8. He May Be a Serial Monogamist
This isn’t flattering, I know, but some men are serial monogamists, moving from one long-term relationship to another. He may miss the stability and comfort of being married and may be looking for a relationship just to catch that vibe again.
It can be hard to spot a guy like this because you want a relationship too, and here’s a guy who seems keen to settle down with you. But if you don’t feel a 100% connection or things just seem off, despite him wanting to dedicate more and more time to you, realize that he may just want his next relationship, regardless of whether you’re the right fit or not.
9. He May Just Be Looking for a Warm Body
The converse is true, too. He may be on the opposite end of the spectrum, looking for nothing more than casual sex. After all, he was in a relationship for years or even decades. Now he’s ready to play!
If you’re aligned with this, then good luck to you. But if you’re hoping that your weekly hookups turn into a relationship, I’m going to say that you’re probably barking up the wrong tree. Find a man (divorced or otherwise) who is ready to commit to you.
10. He’s (Probably) a Responsible Human Being
If you’ve dated men who live in bachelor pads that look like they probably did 20 years ago…
…men who can’t cook anything other than ramen…
…and men who run at the first sign of emotional intimacy…
…you’ll be delighted at what you get when dating a divorced man. He knows how to set up autopay for his bills. He can make a mean chicken cordon bleu. He’s on track to retire early. He can even French braid his daughter’s hair.
This guy may restore your faith in men simply because he is one. He’s not a manchild or Peter Pan. He takes responsibility for his actions. He knows how to communicate in a relationship, open the door for his lady, and admit when he’s wrong.
Whether you’re divorced yourself or have just kissed a lot of the wrong frogs over the past few decades, remember what you’re looking for as you’re dating a divorced man.
“Be sensitive to your own needs, as well as his needs. It’s very, very important to keep in mind that you count as well as his needs,” Ann wisely says.
He may take more patience and effort than you expect, so make sure he’s truly worth it. Because trust me: you definitely are worth patiently waiting for the right guy for you!
Talk to me in the comments below: are you dating a divorced man? What issues or concerns have come up for you? What benefits have you seen?
Looking for love after 40? In my free webinar, you’ll learn the 3 strategies to attracting companionship during the best years of your life. Space is limited! Sign up here.
Before we get into talking about the games men play, allow me to present a couple of metaphors.
There’s this really fun board game that Jessica and I like to play. It’s called Pandemic. It’s fun because we work together trying to save the world from a plague.
The best part?
We are in it together: we both win or we lose the game together. It’s a fun collaborative process.
And, as a metaphor, this is how a relationship should be: both of you are putting effort into it. Sometimes it works out, and sometimes it doesn’t, and that’s ok, so long as you were both trying your best to make it work.
Then there’s another type of board game (and relationship). Take Monopoly for example: there’s always one winner and one loser. Rather than being a collaborative game, this is a competitive game.
What’s good for you, isn’t good for the other person.
And sometimes relationships end up this way. If you find yourself in a situation where you feel like a guy is always trying to get something from you, and you feel like he’s playing a game with you in order to get something, then this video and article will help you clue into that fact and tell you what to do about it.
P.S. Is he pulling away to play a game, or is something else going on? Check out my free webinar to discover the reasons good men pull away once they get close to you.
Games Men Play (and Why They Play Them)
Trust me: I know how frustrating it is to meet a guy who seems like a great fit for you. Maybe you met him online or through friends. But after a while, you feel like you’re in junior high, because he’s clearly playing with you like a boy would.
There are five games men play with women. I know you won’t believe me, but sometimes men play games unconsciously, not realizing exactly the harm they’re causing.
So why do they play them?
There are many reasons. A man may be insecure and want to hook a woman and get her chasing him. He may be unsure about whether he wants a relationship with you, and so he’ll run hot and then cold. He may honestly just be a player, stringing along multiple women.
It’s your job to determine whether he’s playing games with your head and decide whether he’s worth it (spoiler alert: he probably isn’t).
So here are the games men play and how to deal with each.
1. Can I Get Sex if I Keep Taking Her Out?
Sometimes a guy will feel like if he’s spending money on you, taking you out for dinner and drinks, then you should reciprocate by having sex with him.
Whoa, whoa, whoa. I’m not even sure why men started thinking this, but let me just say: sex should not be transactional.
If a man is making you feel guilty about all the money he’s spent on you and hinting that he wants “payment,” run away. Fast.
You should only have sex with a man you have a great connection with. Who you want to have sex with.
2. How Many Women Can I Juggle?
Some guys try to hook up with as many women as possible. You’d think this phenomenon would be limited to men in their 20s and 30s, but older men can do it too.
Dating apps have made this incredibly easy, unfortunately.
I’m ashamed to say that I know a few men who try to see how many women they can sleep with in a week.
Yes, it’s disgusting, but it happens, so you need to be aware of the fact.
If you get the sense that the guy you’re seeing is juggling multiple women, definitely do not sleep with him (hello? STDs, anyone?) and find someone better who wants to focus on just you.
3. Can I Get Laid Tonight?
Have you ever met a guy at a bar who you hit it off with? But then maybe if he tried to make a move on you, maybe kiss you, and you deflected him, did he walk away?
That probably left you confused because you thought that this might develop into something.
Sorry, dear, but you just got played. He was looking for nothing more than to get laid that night.
He wasn’t looking to date you.
He wasn’t looking for commitment.
He wasn’t looking to get married.
He wasn’t looking for a girlfriend.
I know it’s tough if you thought you felt a connection, but this man was a con artist who knew the way to your heart (and, he hoped, to your bed). Don’t feel bad. Just move on.
4. How Long Can I Keep Her Giving Me What I Want, Without Giving Her What She Wants?
You know the kind of men that play this game.
He tells you he wants to be with you. That there’s a great connection. That he wants to build something with you. But…
He’s never actually ready to commit.
He never calls you their girlfriend.
He just strings you along until he’s done.
This is what I call an emotional leach: he sucks your emotional energy from you but doesn’t give you anything back in return. Is that really the kind of man you want to build a life with?
No way! You deserve a man who gives as much as you do, who is an equal partner with you. Keep looking, because he’s out there.
5. How Can I Make Her Think She’s Crazy?
This is what’s known as gaslighting: manipulating you into thinking that YOU are the crazy one.
Here’s an example: let’s say you’re dating a guy and you have an exclusive relationship and you’re not dating other people. You notice a text go off on his phone from another girl, and it says “You’re really getting me going :)”
Because you’re a Sexy Confident woman, you don’t snoop to investigate on his phone, but you do ask him about it because it’s super inappropriate.
He says, “Oh that’s just someone from work. What are you doing looking at my phone? You’re being crazy. Stop that!”
Then you ask to see the text chain so you can understand the context of why she would say something that sounds so inappropriate.
His response? “No way. You’re just being insane and clingy. There’s nothing going on there.”
That’s gaslighting. He flat out lies (because in this scenario, he probably is cheating on you) and makes you think you’re the crazy bitch. Don’t buy into it. If your gut is telling you something’s up, don’t believe whatever he tells you, particularly if he turns it around to being your issue.
I wish that these weren’t the games men play, but I do hope that now you can more easily identify them when you’re the victim of one of them.
Dating shouldn’t be a game. It should be about getting to know a potential partner and deciding whether you’re compatible or not. But the good thing about men playing games, especially when you can quickly identify them, is that you don’t have to waste any more time on these guys, and you free yourself up for a man who is sincere and emotionally mature enough to be your partner.
Which of these games have men played on you? Let me know in the comments below.
Have you ever had a good man start to pull away from you once you got close? In my free webinar, I’ll teach you three mistakes you might be making so you can fix them and pull him close without manipulating him. Sign up today.
There’s this new phenomenon that’s happening right now in the world of dating.
It happens when a guy texts you and works hard to win you over…
…then when he finally gets you to respond positively, he doesn’t actually do anything about it.
He doesn’t ask you out.
He doesn’t want to see you.
He just wanted to get you to respond to him.
Talk about mixed signals.
I gotta say, I find this phenomenon utterly perplexing. I’ve even come up with a name for it: validexting.
Validation + Texting
I get a lot of questions from amazing Sexy Confident women like you about what the #%&! is going on when a guy sends mixed signals like these. The guy seems to want to win you over, but once he accomplishes this, he doesn’t want anything more from you. Or he only wants sex from you.
Believe me, it’s not worth the energy to try to decipher what the heck a man is thinking who sends mixed signals, so allow me to do a little interpretation to help you.
P.S. You know who doesn’t send mixed signals? A man who wants to commit to only you. Find out how to get a man to do just that with my exclusive free training.
Introduction to Mixed Signals
You don’t really need an introduction to mixed signals, do you? When you were in your 20s, boys gave them all the time. But you’re dismayed to discover that grown men—in their 40s, 50s, and older—still send them!
What gives?! Shouldn’t men know by now how to communicate in dating?
I guess not.
The reasons men send mixed signals vary. Sometimes they don’t know what they want. Sometimes it’s all miscommunication. Other times, they’re playing head games with you. You may never know the reason why this man is short-circuiting his messages to you, but at least you can know how to deal with it.
1. Chalk It Up as Him Being Insecure
Insecure little boys seek validation from women.
Men know what they want and they go get it. They don’t waste their time or anyone else’s time giving mixed signals.
And no, age doesn’t determine whether a male is a boy or a man. It all comes down to his maturity and insecurity level.
If you find yourself dating a scared little boy who doesn’t want to do anything more than dip his toes in the water of dating you, then here’s what you do: call him a little boy (maybe not to his face; just in your head) and move on to find a real man, because that’s what you deserve.
If it feels like this guy is playing games and just wants you to chase after him, he’s insecure and looking for validation. Giving it to him is not your job. Move on.
2. Be Empathetic
If you’re getting mixed signals, you can’t automatically assume that he’s a jerk. You don’t know what other things are going on in his life.
Put yourself in his shoes: is he recovering from a past relationship? Maybe past pain is keeping him from opening up to you early on.
Does he have something in his life getting in the way? He might be going through divorce proceedings right now, and that’s eating up a lot of emotional energy so he’s got none to give you. He might be unemployed right now and stressed about the fact that he can’t afford to take you out the way he wants to. His mom might be sick. There are a dozen things that could be going on that you’re simply unaware of.
If you find that this guy is a little bit hot then cold but you still feel like he’s into you, cut him some slack. You may not know the whole story. As you get to know one another better, he may open up about what’s keeping him from being a better communicator and partner.
3. Talk to Him in Person
If you’re frustrated about the mixed signals he’s giving you, discuss it with him face-to-face. The best way to know how someone feels about you is to talk to him in person. Trying to have this conversation via text doesn’t work because you’re reading too much into what he’s saying or you can misunderstand his tone. Also, you need to see his face to watch for how he’s communicating his emotions.
I know that talking in person can make you feel hugely vulnerable (there’s nowhere to hide!) but trust me: it’s the best way to communicate. Stop using your phone as a crutch to have real conversations about how you feel about someone.
Have the courage to put yourself out there (assuming you’re in a relationship with this man). If he’s just a fling or you already sense that he’s not interested, move on. But if you think this man is worth your time, then it’s worth it to have a conversation about your frustration with his mixed signals.
I’m sorry I can’t keep men from sending mixed signals, but at least now I’ve empowered you to understand some potential causes of the reason he’s acting the way he is, and have provided you with some strategies to deal with either a scared little boy or a man who simply has other things going on in his life that are keeping him from giving 100% to you. It’s my hope that this article and video help you cut through the crap to cut ties from a guy who’s just playing games or communicate authentically with a man who’s worth the effort.
Share with the Sexy Confidence community in the comments below: what sort of mixed signals are you getting from the guy you’re dating?
I’d love to get you on the free training that I’ve created to help you get a man to miss you and commit to only you. I’ll give you tips to determine whether you should continue to invest in a man who’s sending mixed signals or whether it’s time to move on. Sign up here asap because space is limited.
Whether you’re dating someone new or are in a serious relationship, learning how to appreciate your man will go a long way to building your relationship in a positive way.
After all, who doesn’t like feeling appreciated? I can tell you from personal experience: when Jessica shows me that she appreciates me, it makes me feel incredible…and then I work that much harder to be a great partner in our relationship.
Why You Need to Appreciate Your Man
I’m not giving you 27 ways to appreciate your man in this article so that you can get him to do nice things for you or buy you gifts. I want you to understand the value of showing anyone appreciation.
For you, taking the time to compliment or thank your guy means you’ve got to slow down and really see him for who he is. It’s hard to take someone for granted when you’re showing them appreciation. It can also make you want to reciprocate. After all, if he’s putting in the work, shouldn’t you?
For him, it can make him feel like you are acknowledging his efforts in the relationship, which only makes him want to put more effort in. You build trust with him and get him to open up when you show your appreciation. And it paves the way for a loving and trusting relationship if you’re in the early days of dating.
Now let’s look at a few ways you can appreciate your man.
1. Compliment Him
It’s funny: I once realized that I often thought complimentary things about my girlfriend or friends, but rarely said them. Why keep the compliment locked in your own head when it would make someone so happy to hear? Now I make an effort to give people compliments when they pass through my brain.
The trick to complimenting your man is to do so authentically and not go overboard with a compliment every ten minutes. Don’t go out of your way to find something nice to say; simply say the nice things that come to mind.
His new haircut might make him look younger. Tell him.
He might have made a Michelin star-worthy meal for dinner. Tell him.
He might make you laugh. Tell him.
Compliments don’t need to be cheesy or complicated. As long as they come from the heart, he’ll be glad to accept them.
2. See Him with Fresh Eyes
Especially if you’ve been in a relationship for a while, you can sometimes glaze over what makes this guy great. If you see him every day, it might be hard to notice those things that first attracted you, like his intellect or engaging personality.
Step away from your relationship and pretend you’re someone who just met your man. What stands out? What attracts you to him? These are probably the things that first drew you to him, so keep those qualities in mind and try to always appreciate them.
If you’ve both been stressed out lately, take a break from your worries and find a way to play together. Go on a mini-golf date or just chase him around the house to inject a little playfulness into the relationship.
If you’ve gotten into a Netflix and chill rut, get dressed up and go on an adult date. If you have kids, don’t talk about them. Talk about books, news, interests, travel, and each other as a way to light that old spark again.
3. Nip the Nagging
Another habit many couples fall into after being together a while is nagging. Of course, sometimes nagging is indicative of more serious problems in a relationship. You might be unhappy in another area but unable to find a way to talk about what’s really bothering you. You may want him to change in ways you can’t possibly expect him to change. But while some nagging is going to be the norm in most relationships, it’s up to you to find a better way to deal with things that annoy you.
First of all, accept his frustrating habits. Easier said than done, I know. Once you’ve made it clear that it irritates you that he leaves his sweaty gym clothes on the laundry room floor a few hundred times and he still doesn’t change his behavior, consider how else you can approach the situation. Maybe instead of nagging you simply put a hamper in the laundry room and encourage him to put his clothes there.
If something else is bothering you, find a time when you’re not irritated to discuss it. If you do want to complain about something, take a beat before berating him the second he comes home from work. Instead, ask about his day and give both of you time to unwind before getting to the issue. You’ll get better results this way.
4. Really Hear Him When He Talks
Another way to appreciate your man is to really and truly listen. Now, I don’t mean that while he’s talking you’re waiting for him to take a breath so you can tell him something that’s on your mind. I mean putting aside whatever it is you want to discuss and actively listening.
Don’t start planning your defense when you’re in the middle of an argument. Listen.
When he’s telling you about his bad day, don’t think, my day was so much worse! Listen.
Don’t judge when he’s opening up to you. Listen.
Ask questions when he talks to show that you’re hearing him and paying attention. You can bet he’ll notice, and that he’ll return the favor when you have something to say.
5. Get Interested in His Hobbies
You can also show appreciation to your man by taking an interest in what he’s into. If he’s into hiking and just completed the 5 Peak Challenge, cheer him on. If he wants to try surfing, sign up for a lesson with him.
That’s not to say you need to have all the same hobbies as him. When it makes sense, participate in activities with him. But if you’re not into, say, watching UFC, let that be his thing, and then ask how it went later.
6. Tell Him How You Feel About Him
Whether you’re already exchanging “I love yous“ or you’re still just fumbling for how you feel, express your emotions so that he knows where you are in the relationship.
This might be challenging if it makes you uncomfortable to open up to a man or feel vulnerable, but in the long run, it will be good for you both.
If you can’t sleep because you’re thinking about your amazing first date with him…tell him.
If you’ve never felt this way about anyone…tell him.
If he makes you want to be a better person…tell him.
And if you’re wishing he’d tell you how he feels, doing this may be a better strategy to get him to open up than flat-out asking him, “how do you feel about me?”
7. Thank Him
Here’s another thing that we often take for granted the longer we’ve been with someone: we start to expect all the nice things they do for us and don’t always thank them for doing them.
Thank yous can be big or small. You can thank him for opening your car door…or being there for you when you had a meltdown about a fight you had with your mom. You can thank him for taking out the garbage…or for attending a very awkward family dinner.
Not only will you make him feel appreciated, but you will also help reinforce behaviors that you like, such as cooking dinner or picking up your dry cleaning.
8. Show You Appreciate Your Man in the Bedroom
Sex is one area where there’s got to be give and take. Maybe he’s usually the one to initiate getting physical, or he does the majority of the “heavy lifting.” Surprise him by seducing him sometimes. Wear sexy lingerie or send him sexy texts to get the mood started early, then take charge once you’re in the bedroom. I promise: it won’t be a hardship for you to give in this aspect of your relationship!
9. Surprise Him with a Gift or Sweet Act
You don’t have to use words to communicate how grateful you are for the man in your life. Show him by doing sweet things for him when he least expects it.
Order food delivery to his office when he has to stay late to work.
Make him breakfast in bed.
Bring him a gift that made you think of him on a trip.
Remember: you’re not doing this to score points with your guy, but rather to show that you appreciate your man.
10. Be Present When You’re With Him
If you’re one of those people who always has her phone within reach, realize that you could be hurting your relationship. In one study, researchers found that diners who had access to their phones during a meal felt less connected to the person they were eating with. If you have your phone, silence it or flip it over when you’re with your boyfriend so you can focus on him.
But it’s not just phones that distract us, is it? We’ve got things on our minds. The television is on. We’re mulling over what we have going on at work. So yes, it takes an effort to really be present, but it’s the most valuable gift you can give anyone you spend time with.
11. Tell Him When He Does a Good Job
This is kind of like thanking him in that it also reinforces good behavior. But everyone likes being told when they do something well. And yes, it makes us want to do more of it!
So if he made your toes curl in bed…let him know.
If he helped you install your flat screen without making any holes in the wall…say something nice.
If he killed it at work…applaud him.
12. Make Him Feel Like the Only Man in the World
If he makes you feel this way, then you absolutely need to return the favor and make him feel like you cherish him.
Most of the ways to appreciate a man on this list will do the trick, but here are a few other strategies to make him feel like he’s the only man in the world for you:
- When you’re out, focus 100% on him. Maintain steady eye contact.
- Smile at him.
- Laugh at his jokes.
- Act like you just started dating, even if you’ve been together for years.
While you, of course, will have other priorities in your life, when you’re with him, communicate that he’s the most important thing to you in the moment.
13. Trust Him
Your man will know how much you care for him when you start to trust him. That means you aren’t jealous if he’s with other women because you know he loves you. It means opening up to him and being vulnerable in ways that make you uncomfortable.
14. Turn to Him When You Have a Bad Day
Nothing makes a guy feel better than having a woman need him for comfort.
Maybe your dog died…
Or you got in a nasty argument with your BFF…
Or your boss was terrible to you today…
Whatever happened, don’t keep it inside. Part of being a couple is leaning on one another when times are tough. So talk to him about your bad day. Let him comfort you. If you want suggestions for solutions to a problem, ask him for them.
15. Support Him in Achieving His Goals
Be his cheerleader. Whether he wants to beat his time in the next 5k or get a promotion, he needs you to believe in him. So put aside any naysaying you might be thinking and just let him know that you support him 100%.
If you can, help him achieve those goals. Go running with him. Or get on board to his diet if he’s trying to lose weight.
16. Tell Him He Looks Nice
Another way to appreciate a man is to compliment his physical appearance. While you don’t want to only do this, lest he thinks you’re only with him because you find him so hot, add physical compliments in the mix to boost his confidence and reassure him that you find him attractive.
Certainly, compliment him when he gets dressed up for a date with you, but also let him know if he looks like he’s lost weight, his hair looks perfect, or he just smells nice. You can bet he’ll go the extra mile to keep looking good for you.
Once we’ve been dating a while, we tend to stop flirting, but there are definite benefits to picking up the practice again. Flirting can actually boost your immune system and your self-esteem, and it can strengthen the bond you have with your man.
You’ll make him feel desired and attractive if you bat your eyelashes at him over dinner or throw a cheesy line out at him, so give it a try!
18. Pay Attention to What Makes Him Happy
Your man will know that you appreciate him if you take note of the little things that make him happy, especially if the relationship is relatively new. Maybe he told you a story about how he was fascinated by ladybugs as a kid, so you buy him some at the hardware store and you set them free in the garden together.
It can be seemingly insignificant details that can have a big impact:
- Buy his favorite type of beer
- Let him know when his favorite band is coming to town
- Surprise him by organizing a visit from an old friend he hasn’t seen in a while
19. Make Small Sacrifices for Him
While you certainly don’t need to be the only one in the relationship making sacrifices, compromising now and then will strengthen your relationship and show him that you care enough to have some discomfort or not have things go the way you’d prefer now and then.
He loves karaoke and you hate it…but take him out to a karaoke bar for his birthday anyway.
You both have invitations from friends to hang out Friday night. If you know he really wants to spend time with his friends, choose them this time.
You hate watching sports but he’s a die-hard football fan. Compromise by sitting with him on the couch reading while he watches the game.
20. Brag About Him to Friends
You’re proud of your man and his accomplishments, so why not toot his horn for him to your friends? Of course, don’t do it if it will make him uncomfortable. But if he won’t mind the attention, share what he’s done. Not only will it make him feel great, but it will also show your friends what an amazing man you’ve found.
21. Get His Opinion
Part of what you appreciate about this guy is his brain. Whether you need an opinion on what to wear to a party or what direction you should take your career, ask him for his honest opinion. And don’t just do it to be nice: really consider his point of view because it might be different from your own and may open up new possibilities to you.
22. Recall What He’s Said
This goes with active listening. You can show that you’re listening and paying attention by recalling things he’s said in the past. This is a great tip if you’re just starting to date because typically the guy doesn’t expect you to retain everything he says. He doesn’t know: you might be talking to several guys, so he doesn’t presume you’ll remember everything!
Impress him by latching onto things and asking about them.
“Hey, you said your mom was having surgery this week. How’d it go?”
“Last week you told me that you grew up in Orange County. Do you miss it?”
23. Let Him Know You Miss Him
We’re not kids. There’s no reason to play hard to get. If you’ve been apart from your boyfriend for a while (even a day!) and miss him, let him know. He’ll be flattered that he’s on your mind and that you want to see him again soon. If you’re new to dating, this will help you score that next date!
If sharing your feelings is challenging, this is a good baby step. There’s really nothing to fear in terms of rejection here: after all, who wouldn’t love to hear that they are missed?
24. Tell Him You Feel Safe With Him
I think this is another one of those instances that you might think but not express, so go ahead and tell him. Safety is a huge thing for women to feel in a relationship, and it indicates that you truly trust him if he makes you feel safe.
Maybe you love how he walks on the traffic side of the street to protect you from cars. Or he bulks up when walking past shady characters at night. Whatever it is, you just feel protected.
Communicating this will make him want to keep on protecting you!
25. Make Time For Him
Life’s busy for us all. You have to make time for a relationship, especially the longer it’s been going on. If you find yourself giving drive-by kisses on the way to work or having a brief conversation before crashing at night, it’s time to prioritize your relationship so that you make your fella feel appreciated.
Schedule a date night on the calendar and get out for a night on the town. Or, if that’s too much right now, just make time to cook dinner together and have a good chat at home. It’s less important what you do than just that you spend quality time together.
26. Plan for the Future with Him
If things are serious, you’re both probably thinking about both the short- and long-term future together. Start making plans. That doesn’t necessarily mean you have to start planning a wedding (or does it?) but maybe bring up taking an international trip together or investing in salsa classes for a few months. Planning even a few months out tells him that you’re in this and looking forward to building a future together.
27. Give Him His Space
It seems like giving your guy space would be the opposite of showing your appreciation, but the fact is: we all need “me” time. You are confident that he cares for you, so you don’t need to spend every moment together. Encourage him to go out with his friends without you or just stay home and relax on his own. And you can do the same!
How you appreciate your man really comes down to you. It’s just important that you make a consistent effort to do so. In the relationships I’ve seen crumble, one or both people let that appreciation peter out, and the relationship ultimately ended. But solid couples I know prioritize communicating and demonstrating that gratitude consistently.
Talk to me in the comments below: how do you show your man that you appreciate him?
Is your man starting to pull away? You need to step up your appreciation ASAP…and sign up for this Why Men Pull Away course!
If it’s been a while since you last dated, you might feel like a fish out of water trying to figure out what guys like. What worked when you were 20 doesn’t feel right anymore, nor are you willing to pretend to be a dumb blonde so a man will like you.
So…what DO guys like at this age?
The key is owning where you are in your life right now and using that to attract a man. But…given that I’m a man, I may have a little more insight into what guys like than you feel like you do, and I am happy to share what I know with you.
What Guys Like at This Age
If you’re no longer a young girl who is insecure and acts the way she thinks a man wants her to, then the guys you date should also no longer be immature 20-year-olds (unless you’re into that). The men you date should appreciate a self-confident woman who knows who she is.
So here is what a mature man wants to hear from a sexy, confident woman like you.
1. “I Like You.”
No one likes playing games at this point in life, and you shouldn’t either. Instead, be bold and honest about your feelings. You’ll get a lot further in dating if you open up about how you feel and what you’re looking for.
And if he’s not looking for the same, at least you can find out early on rather than building up feelings for him, only to find out that he’s really not looking for a relationship right now.
Now, I get that making yourself vulnerable might be difficult for you. We all have relationship baggage of one kind or another, and you might find it challenging to talk about how you feel. But if you’re serious about finding love again (or for the first time), then I encourage you to push yourself out of your comfort zone and open up.
2. “Sorry, I’m Busy Tomorrow.”
Telling the man you’re interested in that you’re busy shows you’re not waiting around for him. You have a life.
But don’t just pretend to have plans if he asks you out. Actually have them. Most men are attracted to women who are independent because they have full lives and aren’t looking for a man to fill some void. On the other hand, a woman who ditches her friends to hang out with a guy, or who is always available, is one that may end up being clingy or needy, and that’s not attractive.
What guys like is a woman they’ve got to work just a little bit harder to be with and to get on her calendar.
3. “Can I Pay?”
There’s no rule when it comes to who pays for a date. Even in modern times, 80% of people think the guy should pay on a first date, but that doesn’t mean you have to let him.
I don’t know a man who wouldn’t be pleased to have a woman ask if she can pay for the date or at least contribute. He might not let her (some guys just want to pay), but he’ll like that she offered.
If you ask him out, you can insist that it’s your treat. Or, at the very least, you can cover the tip or buy dessert.
Offering to pay shows that you’re looking for equal footing in a relationship, not that you want a man who will wine and dine you without you ever returning the favor.
4. “Tell Me More.”
Having someone take interest in what they’re saying isn’t just what guys like; all people like it. But if you’re trying to show a man that you’re into him, one of the best ways to do it is to really listen to him.
It’s easy to do on a first date. After all, your stomach is full of butterflies and you just keep thinking about how perfect this guy is for you. But it gets harder to be an active listener the longer you’ve been dating. Still, it’s important to continue to listen, respond, and ask questions about the man you’re into.
Harry Weger, Jr., Ph.D. published an article called “The relative effectiveness of active listening in initial interactions” in the International Journal of Listening, and he says:
“Feeling understood by another person is a very basic part of feeling accepted and valued as a person and it’s a building block for relationships of all kinds.”
So if there’s any potential for this to turn into something long-term, you need to engage with this man by caring (genuinely) about what he has to say.
5. “You Turn Me On.”
Another area that it’s important to be a good communicator in is the bedroom. You might feel like this guy lights you up from head to toe when he does that one thing to you…but does he know how much he satisfies you?
You might think that your moans and screams are a good indicator that he’s hitting the mark during sex, but not all men can tell when a woman orgasms or is otherwise pleased. Also, some women fake it, so a man can never really be sure.
So don’t be stingy with the compliments. Let him know when he does a good job.
And let him know what turns you on. That could be anything from that cologne that he sometimes wears to when he touches the small of your back. Letting him know what you like means that he’ll do more of it!
6. “I Don’t Need a Man.”
So you don’t need to say this outright in case it comes off as a bit tough, but you do want to communicate that you’re independent. You don’t need him…but you want him in your world.
If this one isn’t resonating with you yet, let’s dive into that. Do you feel like you need a man to be happy or successful in life? I know that’s not true. You have thrived on your own, even if it’s just been a short while. You can change lightbulbs and kill spiders without the help of a man. You can be happy without one.
And you need to be happy on your own. Because no man will be able to make you happy 100%. Yes, he can bring happiness to your world, but if you’re already fulfilled with your friends and your life, then he can only add to that magic.
In other words: set up your life so that you’re happy as things are before a man enters it. Then when the right guy does come along, you’re not trying to fill a void with him (trust me: that never works out).
What guys like is to see that you are self-sufficient and not needy. He’ll want to be a part of your world even more in that case.
7. “I Miss You.”
This is another one of those being vulnerable moments.
If you haven’t spent time with this man in a while, you might be tempted to let him think you’re going on other dates or are just super busy and don’t have time to think of him. But what reaction are you hoping to get from that attitude? Jealousy, or worse, withdrawal. Would you want him to treat you that way?
What would happen if you opened up and told him you missed him? That you’d love to see him again soon? You’d make him happy. You’d make him scramble to make plans with you as soon as possible.
Which of these two scenarios is what you really want? Which do you think lays a better foundation for a future with this man?
8. “Let’s [Insert Activity Here.]”
Is he the one who usually makes plans for the two of you to do something? Maybe he loves doing the planning, but I’m willing to bet he’d be happy to discover that you’re not expecting him to always come up with a plan to go out.
Come up with some innovative ideas for a date. Think about what he’s told you and use that in your planning. Maybe he mentioned that he’s never gone kayaking but would love to try. Find a kayak rental company, check this weekend’s forecast, and make the suggestion.
Or maybe the last date you went on was in a noisy bar and next time, you’d like to go somewhere quieter where you can really get to know one another. You could suggest a private picnic in the park.
If you haven’t yet been intimate, but you’re ready, invite him over for dinner at your house (where it’s easy to transition to the bedroom).
Just show him that you don’t expect him to do all the creative date planning.
9. “I’m Game.”
You’re willing to try new things, so let him know. That might be having Ethiopian food for the first time, rock climbing at his gym, or going on a road trip together.
I’m not saying you need to turn into Ms. Spontaneous if you’re more of a planner, but you should be open to new experiences. What guys want is a woman who will at least try something once rather than being shut off to something she’s never experienced.
If this is making you uncomfortable, certainly don’t agree to try something you don’t want to do just to impress a man. But try taking baby steps. If you’ve never had sushi, you don’t have to go straight to raw fish. Try vegetarian maki and see how it tastes. You might surprise yourself and actually like it!
Above all, what guys want is for you to be who you are. If you’re not adventurous, or offering to pay isn’t your style, don’t do it. But find the confidence to be authentic because the right man will love absolutely everything about you.
If you’re starting a relationship or just dating someone, you lay the foundation for a solid future if you are genuine in your actions. Don’t be afraid of scaring him off: if you do, he wasn’t right for you anyway.
Have faith that there is the perfect man out there for you. YOU will drive him wild…simply by being yourself!
Share in the comments below: what else have you found that drives men wild?
Do you realize you already have the power to get commitment from a man…if you really want it? Unlock the secrets of getting the right man to commit with my exclusive free commitment training.
You might assume that if you fall in love, it’s with “The One”.
But by this point in your life, you’ve probably loved a few men…and none of them has worked out. You remember feeling like you loved them…were you wrong? Not at all. There are actually different types of love and each is good in its own way, and you gain great experiences from each.
Why does no one tell you this?! It would be helpful to understand that not every man you fall in love with is meant to be the one you end up with.
We need a manual on love, I think.
Why Different Types of Love are Good For You
You remember being in your teens or twenties and falling head over heels for a guy. Maybe you even dreamed of that big wedding and all those kids you’d have. Now you’re older and wiser and can’t believe you ever thought you’d end up with Davey from your typewriting class.
But that doesn’t mean you didn’t love Davey. It was genuine…for that phase of your life and who you were at the time. Both your experiences and where you are in your life can impact the types of love you have, as well as your relationship with a man.
Experiencing different types of love expands your experience and helps you understand both what you want…and what you don’t want in a lasting relationship.
Let’s dive into the seven types of love you may experience. Some of them are less healthy than others, but I firmly believe that you can learn something from every type of love and every relationship you have.
Also known as puppy love, this may feel real (and super intense), but ultimately it is fleeting. It usually happens within the first few weeks of dating someone new. You’re drunk on that feeling of infatuation. You can’t get enough of the guy…and he can’t get enough of you. You may hole up in his bed for an entire weekend and your friends think you’re dead in a ditch somewhere.
But you’re having an incredible time. You’re seeing nothing but possibilities. After all, this guy could be Mr. Right, couldn’t he? You’re already thinking about the summer getaway you’ll take…and maybe, if you’re honest, about what your wedding would be like.
And if you’re having sex, this feeling of infatuation will only be magnified. But in reality, most of that is just lust.
But then…maybe you start to notice how loud his laugh is when you’re in public. Or how it’s really not all that awesome that he has no car and you have to drive him everywhere. Some of that glitter fades and you realize you have nothing in common with this man.
The bloom is off the rose, as they say.
You quickly move from being completely gaga and unable to think of anything but this man to seeing all the reasons you’re not right for one another. And that’s a good thing because you’re realizing early on that this isn’t the guy for you.
Now, don’t get me wrong: infatuation is a healthy and necessary part of finding the perfect fit. You’re bonding to one another emotionally, physically, and biochemically. And if feels freaking fantastic, doesn’t it?
What You Learn From This Type of Love: If you’ve been through a divorce or it’s been eons since you last tumbled into love, infatuation provides a useful service: it makes you feel desired and attractive again. Your memories of your marriage might be fights and his put-downs, but here’s a guy who can gaze into your eyes and make you feel like the only woman in the room. There’s definitely value in that, even if he doesn’t end up being the one you end up with forever.
2. Friendly Love
On paper, this guy has it all. He likes the same music. He’s got a great career. He’s kind to everyone. He treats you like a queen. He’s a great guy and you want to love him…but honestly, you feel something more like brotherly love for him.
You try to force a relationship at first. After all, what’s wrong with you? Why don’t you feel passion and attraction for this amazing man?
The thing is, no matter how “perfect” for you a man seems to be, that doesn’t make him right for you romantically. There’s a lot at work when it comes to physical, emotional, and romantic attraction, and this man clearly doesn’t check all the boxes, no matter how much you want him to.
In a study in the Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, researchers found that men and women who were friends were more likely to stay that way than become romantically involved. And there’s absolutely nothing wrong with that.
This type of love is a great base for friendship, and who couldn’t use more friends?
What You Learn From This Type of Love: It’s a fact: you can’t force romance. Sometimes being friends is what you were destined to be, and having a male friend provides so many perks. You can better understand the opposite sex, which can help you in dating and relationships. You can get his opinion on men you’re talking to, to see if they’re genuine and good potential suitors. You can learn how to be a better communicator, and you’ll always have a plus-one for events when you don’t have a date! And you never know: if you relax and be yourself around him as a friend, things might melt back into romantic love down the road.
3. Obsessive Love
This type of love might start out like infatuation, but it quickly takes a wrong turn.
You freak out when he doesn’t text you back immediately…
You wonder where he is when he’s not with you…
You get upset when he doesn’t do what you think he should.
If you admit it, you feel a bit unbalanced and unlike yourself with him. Normally you’re the one being chased in a relationship, but you are desperate to have all of his attention, and you’ll do anything to get it.
Is your attachment style anxious-preoccupied? Probably. You may spend a lot of time being anxious about this relationship. Any time he gives you attention, you feel like the sun is shining on you. When he doesn’t, you feel like things are doomed.
In an obsessive love relationship, you may have low self-esteem, jealousy, and/or a need to control, even if these aren’t your normal ways of being in a relationship. There’s just some cocktail of chemicals and emotions with this guy that’s making you completely out of whack.
Pay attention, because obsessive love can be a serious disorder that needs to be treated with medication or psychotherapy. But it doesn’t have to be to that degree for it to negatively impact your life.
What You Learn From This Type of Love: This isn’t love! Any man that you look to for your source of happiness isn’t the right one. You may need to spend some time alone so that you learn how to be happy by yourself before getting into your next relationship.
It’s also a good lesson that you can’t control anything in life.
4. Codependent Love
Here’s another type of love that isn’t necessarily good for you.
With codependent love, one or both of you have unhealthy behaviors that the other is fostering. Shawn Meghan Burn, Ph.D., a professor of psychology at the California Polytechnic State University at San Luis Obispo, defines codependent love like this:
“I prefer to think of codependent relationships as a specific type of dysfunctional helping relationship. Broadly speaking, in dysfunctional helping relationships, one person’s help supports (enables) the other’s underachievement, irresponsibility, immaturity, addiction, procrastination, or poor mental or physical health.”
You may have explosive arguments. Drug or alcohol use. Abuse. Lying. Cheating.
Despite all of this negativity, you feel like you won’t find better. That you need this person to survive. That, in some twisted way, you’re good for each other.
This isn’t love, either. It’s drama, and believe me, sexy, confident lady, you can and will find better.
What You Learn From This Type of Love: There’s a lesson in everything, isn’t there? I think the lesson in codependent love is that you need to feel needed…just not like this. Whatever the bad behavior is, it masks bigger issues in the relationship that you need to work on by yourself before moving into your next healthy relationship.
5. Unrequited Love
I think we’ve all experienced this at some point in our lives: you have feelings for someone who doesn’t return them.
You aren’t in a relationship, but might be friends. It might be the Harry to your Sally, and you’re wondering when you’ll turn into a couple just like they did in the movies (I curse rom-coms for giving women an unrealistic expectation of romance!).
He seems perfect for you…so why doesn’t he feel the same?
Realize that you may be inflating how great this guy is simply because you can’t have him. It’s the whole “grass is greener” thing. Because he isn’t interested, he’s the more appealing. Try to step back and look at him for who he is. You might realize that he’s not all that compatible with you.
You may never even tell the object of your affections that you have feelings for him, though if you do, at least you know whether he feels the same or not. Otherwise, you’ll always wonder.
What You Learn From This Type of Love: This type of love teaches you what love shouldn’t feel like: it needs to be two-sided to thrive.
6. All-You Love
Here’s another one-sided kind of love. You’re in a relationship, but you’re the one giving everything.
You sacrifice, you compromise. He takes.
You let him pick the restaurant whenever you go out because he’s pickier than you about where you eat.
Or, when he tells you he has a job offer across the country, you swallow your sadness about uprooting your life and leaving your friends and go to support him.
Your friends don’t understand why you’re with him because they don’t see him sacrificing or giving anything to you. But you’re so in love that you don’t see it.
Sadly, this relationship won’t last forever because eventually, you will run out of things to give. Just like a plant, you need things to thrive. Instead of sunlight, air, and water, you need love, affection, and selflessness. Without him giving those things, you will wither and your love will die.
What You Learn From This Type of Love: It’s beautiful to give in a relationship, but it needs to be balanced. You will realize your own self-worth and that you deserve someone who is just as eager as you are to contribute to the relationship.
7. Healthy Love
Ahh, finally! The crème de la crème of love. Healthy, true love is worth waiting for. It means you’re in a relationship where you are partners, where you equally give to one another.
There’s no jealousy. No lying. No obsession.
He never makes you feel dumb or out of your league. There’s no drama.
While infatuation probably happened on your journey to healthy love, things have settled down a bit now. While you adore spending time with your man, you also balance it with alone time and being with your friends. You’re able to be genuine with him and have opened up to him in ways you haven’t in past relationships.
All these other types of love helped you get here, but now you see what the big deal is and how it’s different from all others. It’s that moment that you think, “OH! I see what the big deal is!”
You’ve learned lessons on your journey to true love so that you know what is and isn’t acceptable in a relationship. You’ve learned a ton about who you are, and have found happiness within rather than looking for it from another person. That makes you whole and completely ready for a real relationship that is right for you.
What You Learn From This Type of Love: You may have struggled to try to be yourself with a partner in the past, which is understandable, since none of them were right for you. Now you can relax, knowing that this man truly sees you for who you are.
I don’t want you to discount any man you ever thought you loved as being irrelevant. I truly believe that every relationship we are in, every emotion we feel, is valid and useful. Sure, you might have been 15, 20, or 30 when you thought you were in love but did your age make those feelings irrelevant?
Think of it like this: right now, whatever age you are, you are the smartest you’ve been and have had more life experiences than you ever had in the past. But in 10 years, you’ll have even more and be even smarter. Does that invalidate what you feel today? Of course not.
Rather than thinking that there is one true love for you in your life, be open to the fact that you’ve probably loved many men in different ways. And those experiences led you to where you are and how you are capable of having a healthy love today.
Talk to me! Which of these types of love have you experienced? Have you found a healthy love yet? Leave a comment below.
Still looking for that healthy love? Sign up for my Attract the One online workshop to discover the three steps to get the right man to pursue you and only you!